Friday, October 14, 2005


Happy Thanksgiving (The Canadian version)


Well here I am at Steph uncle Rob (Steph's dad's brothers) house and it has been a blast.

I wasn't feeling great and unsure how I'd feel while I was here but really other than a few coughs, chest blaws I feel great.

We got picked up and on the car ride down I was felling a little shy and awkward, by the end of the night I felt like a member of the family.

Dinner was great; I'm amazed how great a cook Steph's aunt is

Shortly after dinner I had a great smoke session (cigars) with her uncle.

He was so easy, and I think we have a lot in common. I'm not talking about life but belief and outlook on life.

He was been through a lot in the last few years and you can tell that the struggle has made him a better person.

It was great to have a cigar; it has been a long time.

I'm not sure why Steph parents have suggested that Steph not call them. They are great people.

I got a new jerk sauce recipe from aunt L.

I had a great time tonight and hopefully I can repay them with a delicious meal of my own when my kitchen is finally finished.

Steph aunt for some reason felt compelled to tell us what channel Sex TV is.

I got to meet Steph's famous Grandma. She was just as good in person as she was on the phone. She is really a crazy awesome person.

The two kids are great too; both are smart, funny, and intelligent.

Lastly their dog Marley is just adorable. He is part poodle part some other small dog.

He is just so cute and thinks he's human. He is very arguably one of the best dogs I have ever seen, and a total attention whore.

I'm felling a lot better today but still the odd chill and snotty nose, but other than a cough when I laugh I feel almost normal.

Well I should probably head to bed.

Another funny thing was Uncle Robert calling me Tim. It reminded me of my alter ego - Timothy Ruden Dooley III.


Athena is back home with us


We got Athena's ashes and paw print today.

It was a rather sad moment and while I didn't cry I was close to.

I went to take pictures but my camera batteries died before I could.

I still have to fire her paw print and draw on it with her name and stuff.

Yay Athena is back home with us!!

I'm starting to feel a little better; my temp this morning was 87.5 which is almost normal.

My ears are still really bothering me, and I can add cranberry juice to the list of things I can eat very small amounts of.

I hate being sick, and Steph told me that I am the grumpiest patient she has ever had.

I pointed out that she doesn't wake up her clients at work to ask them if her shit is normal or if she has legionnaire’s disease.

I still don't feel like doing much other than sleeping. I'm going to take a nap.

With neither Steph or I being artists, I'm wondering what to do with the paw print.

I'm thinking just put a hole in it and when it is done use a stencil to put her name and date.

I am going to put it on her urn, and then perhaps at Christmas on our tree but probably not.

I'm feeling a little more mentally better and a lot more physically better.

Still a wonderful snotty nose, sore head and upper chest, throat, eyes but I think my fever is now totally gone.

A day or two more I think yay!

Thankfully I'll be able to watch the leaf game tonight but I probably won't be exercising like I want/need to.


Fever of 101 Ferenheight


Well I have been sick for more than a full day now and the last temp reading was 101 F.

I don't want to dwell on it so I'll write on other things.

I can't wait for my new palm, I'll be able to surf the net from up here while I'm sick in bed.

Steph has set a date to become baptized a Mormon. I really didn't think she wanted too, and really think that she gave into pressure and smooth talking.

I never will be one simply because there are a few core issues I just can’t see their view on. Wow good English.

I challenged her on a few religious issues and she seemed hesitant to say yes. She just seems to think it is a giant social club.

Her period is gone.

Did you know that I love cognac and cigars two things I can no longer really have.

I think that diabetic ice cream is better than regular ice cram and it makes my throat feel good.

We went and saw Steph's Dr the other day and I'm convinced he's sexist.

Steph went three times in 6 weeks and was dismissed each time.

I went last time and he didn't pay attention to her at all, and did everything I requested and more, even requested emergency tests.

We haven't heard back yet, and see her doctor on October Wednesday.

Her Dr also handed all the test reqresuicions to me and not her.

Steph is doing a little better now. She can not be alone for too long or she gets scared and panics.

She also is able to go do things on her own again but tends to panic a little.

As long as she is on her clananzapanza she is okay and not nearly as obsessive about her body. Hopefully in a while we can get her off it all together.

I finally broke down and bought Pandora tomorrow. It is quite a fun game and nowhere nearly as hard as stolen which is another really fun but impossible game.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Run, Running, Ran


Today was the picton marathon and it went fairly well. The two teams of family members that were entered did well.

The one team finished 17 th out of 40 something teams and the other one 31 or something like that.

I have already decided that I am going to get a new palm pilot that is wi-fi ready and give this one to Steph since she has an MP3 player.

Today was quite a fun day. I got to see the winner at the 35 km part and he seemed to be on cruse control with 2nd place a good 15 min behind him, and 3rd another 10 past that.

I got all sorts of good pictures last night and a few more today. I even got a video of the test crashing of some Lego planes.

Steph had a few bad moments today which weren’t pleasant and rather annoying.

I had a thought that I should have taken some of Athena's DNA so that I could clone a new one.

I'm still crying over her, and wonder how the 3 girls were this weekend. First time they were home without her.

My blood sugar was higher than I would have liked today but I expected it to be up there given the way I was eating, but I also know that this weekend won't affect me at all, it was even in the health range a few times.

I could write more but I'm tired so I'm off to bed and if I wake up and am bored I'll write some more before I head home tomorrow morning. I'm leaving a lot out!


I still cry over her


My real entry for the day is somewhere below my self pitting rant.

I'm still crying over Athena's death and it still hurts more than I could imagine.

I remember when I had to put Izzy down I wasn't that upset because it was the right thing to do. If anything I was mad at myself because with her I wanted too long and she was really suffering. At 19 years old though I knew there was nothing a vet could do.

Athena on the other hand was 2 years and 10 months old. I noticed about a month before we had to put her down that she was loosing weight.

Even if I brought her to the vet 3 or 4 days earlier there could have been treatment options.

But for some dumb poor excuse reason I had to wait and even though I know she may never have recovered at least I could have said I tried.

I remember paying 15,000 $ when my dad was sick and I knew treatment would never cure him.

We tried with my dad knowing no matter what we did he would die.

I can't say the same for Athena or I wouldn't be this way.

The other thing that I hate having done to her was leaving her alone at the vets overnight while she was suffering and needed me. I really wanted to be with her in her final hours, not just minutes.

The only thing I am glad about is that I had no problems making the tough decision, even though I didn't want to.

I don't know how much suffering it alleviated though and I wish since I had to make that choice that I had made it earlier so she wasn't suffering at all.


It's 6 am and I can't sleep. I've been wide awake since 2 am and bored out of my mind.

I don't want to get up incase I wake up our hosts. It is amazing how productive I have been though thanks to my palm pilot.

So far I have
input some receipts into quicken
made a good portion of Octobers meal plan
Calculated my monthly bike data
calculated my daily blood sugar for the last 11 days
created and input the data for a "daily" average blood sugar chart which will calculate my monthly, and bi-monthly average blood sugars
created a nifty yearly calendar to keep my monthly blood sugar averages
started writing this entry
played some cheesy palm pilot games

Not bad for a few hours of not being able to sleep.

I always seem to do best with 2 four hour naps during the day than one long 8 hour sleep.

I'm really excited about today. Actually I'm not but trying to get that way to take my mind off last week.

Steph still has the squirts and has had them now for a good 3 to 4 weeks. I'm not that worried and really think that they will clear up once she gets a little more distressed. In any case I'm going to go to the Dr with her when she goes next week.

Her Dr is either an idiot or just incompetent. I haven't fully figured it out yet.

I get to see most of my relatives today and tomorrow which is always fun.

My mom’s family is pretty tight.

Oh I found out last night that Steph's uncles friend knows my uncle Chris, and my uncle Rob.

I'm wondering if it is too early to get up and shower, oh some one's up now and in the shower.

I never know what to write about in my OD.

Steph's uncle showed us this really cool Homer Simpson car thing that talks based on how the car is moving. It was really funny.

Well it is now 11:37 pm and I've been at my aunts since about 3 this afternoon.

Marg picked us up at Kevin’s along with Grandma and we went on a drive of the marathon route and saw where all the OPP team challengers were going to be exchanging ankle bracelets.

I spent some time with Maura and Joey, before hanging out with the adults for a while.

I took a few pictures and discovered during a tour of the renovations one of Athena's relatives.

When I first saw her I cried. This one looked so much like her. She had a very similar personality as well and she loved me and wouldn't leave my side.

I showed her to Steph and Steph cried too.

Now I have the squirts damnit. My tummy is revolting from something.

Anyhow, I saw a lot of my relatives, and a bunch of my uncle’s side some of whom I probably haven't seen in 15 years or so.

We all ate a lot and then after dinner Joey seemed mesmerized by what I was saying about the new world order.

I talked to a few more of my relatives, and then hung out in Matt's room for an hour or so with our latest gambling idea.

We are going to build Lego vehicles and race them off the roof and who ever gets the farthest will win.

We used to race grapes in the microwave.

Steph had a few rather bad moments. One she ended up crying in my aunts arms. She gave Steph the same advice as everyone else has.

Today though it was that she wasn't making saliva and had a hard time swallowing.

All in all it was a really good day.

Especially when I had two naps in Kevin’s massager chair. It is one of these full body reclining heated massage chairs. Very relaxing. I wish I was in it right now.


Truth is she saved my life


Something I can say about Athena is that in July 2003 Athena saved my life.

I was severally depressed and about to commit suicide but one of the things stopping me was not wanting to leave Athena, and I didn't want to kill her along with myself.

Daminit, when it rains it pours. I just broke my palm pilot. I went to go plug in my headphones into my palm pilot and something snapped inside and now I have no sound at all.

This is a major piss off because now I can't watch movies or listen to music.

Steph thankfully seemed to make a full and rapid recovery from her medical paranoia. She isn't 100 percent yet but much better than she has been this whole month.

Well we got up this morning and headed into town on a tip that Stephen Harper was to be in town.

It wasn't hard to know where he was with the RCMP plain clothed bodyguard showing off his weapon.

I also managed to get a belt that is way too big, and 68 $ worth of socks.

Then on to picton. We hung out at Steph's uncles store for a while and ooed and awed over some of the things.

I showed great restraint by not buying anything.

Then we went to her uncle, met a couple of their friends, had a great dinner, talked a while and then off to bed which is where I lay now.

My blood sugar was actually perfect (6.6) when I checked it a while ago.

Thursday, September 29, 2005


What else is going on in my life besides the death of my cat?

Well I am still balling every time I see or talk about Athena and don’t have the guts to post more pictures of her right now. I have cried my way through 4 rolls of toilet paper (double rolls so that’s really 8) in about 3 days.

I still can’t help but think what if I had taken her earlier, and if she is mad at me for not helping her like I promised her I would do.

Aside from learning and obsessing about my diabetes for the past month which is going fairly well. I’m still a little high with a 8 day average of 9.6. I am still learning and hopefully will be able to treat it without medication. I just have to get off my ass more and learn to eat properly.

I have come to the conclusion so far of foods I have to avoid or eat very seldom. I will never be able to eat them as a meal again.
Ø Ice cream
Ø Frozen yogurt
Ø Frozen pizza
Ø Perogies
Ø I’m sure there is more *cries*

They all push my blood sugar up more than 3 points every time I have them. I have also tested my medication I was on at the time. I am thankful that they seem to have no or very little effect on my blood sugar.

I got my diabetes software today and I love it. I haven’t had more than a chance to set it up and download my data but it will keep me interested enough to check out my readings and pay attention. Plus it really organizes them well and breaks down the stats. I’ll post it someday just to show everyone how bad my BS is.

I have also been under way too much stress from Steph. She has become a totally hypochondriac. She has even gone to the clinic twice in one day to be diagnosed.

I am woken up when I try to sleep and it is affecting her job, relationship, and defiantly her mentality. All this started about a month ago when I had the stomach flu.

I can’t describe how obsessed she has become with her body. If I didn’t know better I’d swear she had a breakdown.

The other day she came home and told me she feels really funny and is a diabetic because the coffee screwed up her blood sugar. I asked her if she had proof and she said no, I asked her if she was supposed to have coffee and again she said no. I pointed out that coffee increases her panic attacks and that she shouldn’t have it. She told me she knew.

I never know what to believe with her anymore because every time “it’s serious this time” Every time I was right and it was a panic attack.

She cries and says she doesn’t want to feel like that, and then does nothing to help herself feel better. I’ve actually contemplated trying to get her into the hospital for a month so she can have some intensive treatment. She really needs something. Earlier tonight she told me that she would rather kill herself than feel like this. I don’t believe her simply because she is so afraid of death.

I have no idea what to do and with not sleeping well because she wakes me up 10 to 15 times in 8 hours I’m not really sleeping at all.

She won’t go to sleep because she is afraid of dying in her sleep, She has gotten about 5 hours of sleep in the last 3 days and wonders why she is so tired and not feeling well. Add to that she is barley eating anything and not exercising.

I just wish she would listen to me and trust me when I tell her that it is a panic attack and try to rationalize her fears in a very comforting way.

I have no doubt that she is sick (irritable bowel syndrome and maybe something else) but when she comes to me 25 – 30 times a day to check her for jaundice, or if she has a fever, or if her eyes are normal, or if she has a cavity, or is her blood sugar okay, I should take her temperature, her back hurts, she has a headache.

I feel bad because she started a new medication and I didn’t believe her right away that it was making her sick because she was complaining about every small thing 30 times a day if not more.

I am thankfully away this weekend at the Picton Marathon. My job this weekend is to take pictures so expect a ton when I get home on Monday. This is where I like my better because it is so much easier to post pictures to it. It is essentially push button uploading as apposed to uploading and then copying the hyperlinks.

I was going stir crazy the last few days after Athena went into the hospital, and later passed away. I don’t know if I will ever get used to her not being around or get over the guilt I feel. I don’t feel guilty that she died.

When my dad passed away I didn’t feel bad for two reasons. The first one is the last thing he said to me was “I’m fine”, and I know I gave him the best care I could. I was doing things I don’t know how I did them or even that I could do them. With him I tried.

With Athena I didn’t try my best. I barley tried at all, and that’s why I feel bad and that it was my fault. I saw her wasting away but didn’t do anything for a week. I’ll never know if I cost her her life, or how she felt at the end and if she knows how much I really do care for her and miss her so much it makes me physically sick.

Okay enough with the tear jerking comments for tonight.

I was thrilled to see that 4 people now subscribe to my blog. That just amazes me.

I’m glad to get away for this weekend and preoccupy my mind with something other than Athena, Blood Sugars, and hypochondria. I hope that Steph does the same.

We’re at my moms right now and heading to Steph’s uncles tomorrow. He owns a Radio Shack and is a really cool guy. He’s also only a few years older than me which makes him seem more cousin like.

Saturday and Sunday we’re at my aunts for the pre marathon party and the marathon. That will be my biggest picture day.

Then it is back here Sunday night and home early Monday morning.

I can’t help but think what would have happened with that dream I had of Athena the night before she died had Steph not woken me up. It was really a weird one and so plain.

We were in an all blue room (like a perfectly clear sky) and I saw her and myself interacting. I had just bent down to pet her when I was woken to a hypochondriac moment.

I should go to bed sometime soon since I have to get up relatively early. I still have some time before I have to check my BS again.

I’m planning to go back to acting in the early spring once the miserable winter has passed. That should give Steph and I enough times to get out stuff together and everything else straightened out. Who knows I may get bored enough and go back sooner?

I’m really cold and tired so I’m off for now. I have no idea how I’ll kill 30 minutes actually I do.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I miss her so much it hurts

Athena has been out of the house for over a day and passed on for about 20 hours now and I am devastated now if not more than I was even a few hours ago.

I miss her so much, I feel so lonely with her not pestering me, or lying beside me. She always had to be by my side. Right now she would be bothering me to play fetch or annoying me in some other way to take my mind off what’s troubling me. The problem is that she is no longer here to do that.

Right now is when she would be at her prime. Steph is asleep, the other cats are nowhere around, and Athena and I would hang out all night. I know she would have no problem pulling me back from my tortured heart and grief stricken soul.

She was so smart and you could sometimes see her trying to figure out an idea with her facial expressions. She knew just how to approach me and get me to smile, even knew that her annoyances were.

Something I have left out is that about two weeks ago I stepped on her foot and I assumed that she wasn’t walking much because I had hurt it, again I didn’t take her to the vet when I though I should have.

I can’t believe how lonely I feel with 3 cats and a girlfriend, a family that loves me, and all sorts of friends.

I can’t believe how empty it is without her here. It is as if the whole aura of the house has changed. I know it has, after all this house for nearly 3 years revolved around her. She was the only cat who got along with all the other ones.

Athena had such a presence about her. Everyone loved her; even people I know who hate cats said she was really amazing.

I found some more pictures of her but I can’t bare to look at her right now, I just break down sobbing for hours at a time.

I am struggling so hard now just to stay sane. It doesn’t help that I currently have no one to talk to, and no Athena to play fetch or cheer me up.

I still can’t help but think that if I had gotten her to the vet sooner she would have been okay. I know that I will never know, but I do know that I didn’t try, nor did I pay attention or think about her until it was obviously too late. I failed her when she really needed me.

I get her ashes back in about a week. I can’t wait to bring her back home. It won’t be the same but at least she will be home where she belongs.

I’m also crushed because I was really hoping to bring her home today and right now be spending time with her, even if it was laying on the floor next to her all day. Because I just found out I had diabetes at about the same time Athena got sick I didn’t pay her the attention she needed or give her the care I knew a week ago if not longer that she needed.

I miss her so much and I want her back right now.

If you go to my blog (the big box thing at the top) there are a few pictures of Athena not currently in my OD.


Athena died at 10:24 am 27/09/05

Born November 2002
Died 27 of September 2005 at 10:24 am

It is with a great sadness that I have to write this entry. Athena passed away this morning. I was hoping to get a couple of days but the vet called panicked at 9 am saying that she wasn’t sure if Athena would even make it through the morning, defiantly not the day.

I showed up and was escorted right away to her, and she didn’t look good. I got the run down from the vet but don’t remember it because I was crying so hard.

Athena looked worse than yesterday and finally got up and tried to get up and out of the cage. I wish I had taken her in my arms and never let her go but instead I just tried to keep her from getting out of the cage.

She let out a horrific meow that didn’t sound like her at all and then laid back down. I kept petting her and crying. At one point I stuck my head close to hers and she gave me a little kiss (actually just rubbed her nose against me but I know what she was trying to do) and then turned so that she wasn’t facing me any more.

The vet came in and explained the procedure. I was petting her the whole time as she fell asleep and up to and even after the vet said that her heart had stopped. I covered her with a blanket and then just left the room; I didn’t want to be around her.

Now I want to go back and never leave her.

She was without a doubt the best thing in my life bar none. She could always cheer me up, make me smile, even when she pestered the shit out of me begging for food or trampling over me.

No matter how blue or upset I was she would find a mouse for me to throw and somehow even though I didn’t want to do that it always made me feel better. She would always have to be in the same room as I was.

I still remember when she had her kittens she came and woke me up and if the fist one didn’t get stuck she would have given birth right on my legs. She let me carry them for her and place them in her nest.

It was as if she was a human child and I was her parent. She seemed to look up to me, and trust me no matter what was happening. I feel like I betrayed that trust today and by not taking better care of her sooner.

The vet said that even if we had come in a month ago there is no telling if she would have taken the treatment.

I have never loved anyone more than I have her. We had some special bond that was indescribable.

I can’t help but feel that I let her down and that her death was my fault in a way. I noticed a change in her about a month ago. I let it linger and fester and get worse. If her disease was caught early (hepatitis) it could have been cured. I will always be plagued with the question as to why I was so slow to take her to the vets.

Even so much as 5 days ago (or last Monday for sure) her liver wasn’t working properly but it had not shut down, she was not so dehydrated as to do damage to her other vital organs, her blood was not toxic enough to effect her brain and other organs. She had a very good chance for survival.

I blame myself because I didn’t take the action when I knew I should have for whatever reason. I don’t know if she would have been saved but I do know that I would have tried my best.


You looked so depressed today so I decided to help you pass on comfortably. I really wanted you to make a recovery, even a temporary one so that the last time we spent together would be fun and joys, not like it was today.

I am very sorry for pushing you away when you were coming to me in you’re hour of need. I hope you can forgive me. I didn’t want to hurt you physically and I know I hurt you emotionally and left you feeling alone. You weren’t. I have loved you from the moment I got you almost 3 years ago. You have been and were the best thing in my life. You gave me so much joy and happiness even when you were being a pain in my ass. You always knew how to cheer me up and make me happy when I was sad.

I didn’t mean to leave you suffering so long with out attention. I will never know if seeing a vet a week ago or even before would have saved you and that question will haunt me for a very long time. I never meant to leave you suffering like that. I am truthfully sorry. Please forgive me for not being there when you needed me most.

I wish I knew the connection you and I shared. It was something so magickal and special and I hope I never have it again so that it is just ours. The one thing that will always make you stand out from any other pet I have ever and will ever have.

I hope that I was able to be some comfort for you in your final hour. I only wish I could have been there all night with you. I didn’t want to leave you alone and did so only hoping that you would feel better.

You will never ever be forgotten and I can not wait to see you again. It will make me so happy again. I think you know how devastated and heart broken I am. I have never been this upset about anything in my life.

You were more than a cat to me, you were my best friend, my soul mate.

I love you Athena and I know you’re resting in peace now. While it saddens me you are no longer here with me I am glad you are no longer suffering. We all miss you and love you very much!


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