Thursday, September 29, 2005

 

What else is going on in my life besides the death of my cat?

Well I am still balling every time I see or talk about Athena and don’t have the guts to post more pictures of her right now. I have cried my way through 4 rolls of toilet paper (double rolls so that’s really 8) in about 3 days.

I still can’t help but think what if I had taken her earlier, and if she is mad at me for not helping her like I promised her I would do.

Aside from learning and obsessing about my diabetes for the past month which is going fairly well. I’m still a little high with a 8 day average of 9.6. I am still learning and hopefully will be able to treat it without medication. I just have to get off my ass more and learn to eat properly.

I have come to the conclusion so far of foods I have to avoid or eat very seldom. I will never be able to eat them as a meal again.
Ø Ice cream
Ø Frozen yogurt
Ø Frozen pizza
Ø Perogies
Ø I’m sure there is more *cries*

They all push my blood sugar up more than 3 points every time I have them. I have also tested my medication I was on at the time. I am thankful that they seem to have no or very little effect on my blood sugar.

I got my diabetes software today and I love it. I haven’t had more than a chance to set it up and download my data but it will keep me interested enough to check out my readings and pay attention. Plus it really organizes them well and breaks down the stats. I’ll post it someday just to show everyone how bad my BS is.

I have also been under way too much stress from Steph. She has become a totally hypochondriac. She has even gone to the clinic twice in one day to be diagnosed.

I am woken up when I try to sleep and it is affecting her job, relationship, and defiantly her mentality. All this started about a month ago when I had the stomach flu.

I can’t describe how obsessed she has become with her body. If I didn’t know better I’d swear she had a breakdown.

The other day she came home and told me she feels really funny and is a diabetic because the coffee screwed up her blood sugar. I asked her if she had proof and she said no, I asked her if she was supposed to have coffee and again she said no. I pointed out that coffee increases her panic attacks and that she shouldn’t have it. She told me she knew.

I never know what to believe with her anymore because every time “it’s serious this time” Every time I was right and it was a panic attack.

She cries and says she doesn’t want to feel like that, and then does nothing to help herself feel better. I’ve actually contemplated trying to get her into the hospital for a month so she can have some intensive treatment. She really needs something. Earlier tonight she told me that she would rather kill herself than feel like this. I don’t believe her simply because she is so afraid of death.

I have no idea what to do and with not sleeping well because she wakes me up 10 to 15 times in 8 hours I’m not really sleeping at all.

She won’t go to sleep because she is afraid of dying in her sleep, She has gotten about 5 hours of sleep in the last 3 days and wonders why she is so tired and not feeling well. Add to that she is barley eating anything and not exercising.

I just wish she would listen to me and trust me when I tell her that it is a panic attack and try to rationalize her fears in a very comforting way.

I have no doubt that she is sick (irritable bowel syndrome and maybe something else) but when she comes to me 25 – 30 times a day to check her for jaundice, or if she has a fever, or if her eyes are normal, or if she has a cavity, or is her blood sugar okay, I should take her temperature, her back hurts, she has a headache.

I feel bad because she started a new medication and I didn’t believe her right away that it was making her sick because she was complaining about every small thing 30 times a day if not more.

I am thankfully away this weekend at the Picton Marathon. My job this weekend is to take pictures so expect a ton when I get home on Monday. This is where I like my http://.axalotal.blogspot.com better because it is so much easier to post pictures to it. It is essentially push button uploading as apposed to uploading and then copying the hyperlinks.

I was going stir crazy the last few days after Athena went into the hospital, and later passed away. I don’t know if I will ever get used to her not being around or get over the guilt I feel. I don’t feel guilty that she died.

When my dad passed away I didn’t feel bad for two reasons. The first one is the last thing he said to me was “I’m fine”, and I know I gave him the best care I could. I was doing things I don’t know how I did them or even that I could do them. With him I tried.

With Athena I didn’t try my best. I barley tried at all, and that’s why I feel bad and that it was my fault. I saw her wasting away but didn’t do anything for a week. I’ll never know if I cost her her life, or how she felt at the end and if she knows how much I really do care for her and miss her so much it makes me physically sick.

Okay enough with the tear jerking comments for tonight.

I was thrilled to see that 4 people now subscribe to my blog. That just amazes me.

I’m glad to get away for this weekend and preoccupy my mind with something other than Athena, Blood Sugars, and hypochondria. I hope that Steph does the same.

We’re at my moms right now and heading to Steph’s uncles tomorrow. He owns a Radio Shack and is a really cool guy. He’s also only a few years older than me which makes him seem more cousin like.

Saturday and Sunday we’re at my aunts for the pre marathon party and the marathon. That will be my biggest picture day.

Then it is back here Sunday night and home early Monday morning.

I can’t help but think what would have happened with that dream I had of Athena the night before she died had Steph not woken me up. It was really a weird one and so plain.

We were in an all blue room (like a perfectly clear sky) and I saw her and myself interacting. I had just bent down to pet her when I was woken to a hypochondriac moment.

I should go to bed sometime soon since I have to get up relatively early. I still have some time before I have to check my BS again.

I’m planning to go back to acting in the early spring once the miserable winter has passed. That should give Steph and I enough times to get out stuff together and everything else straightened out. Who knows I may get bored enough and go back sooner?

I’m really cold and tired so I’m off for now. I have no idea how I’ll kill 30 minutes actually I do.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

 

I miss her so much it hurts

Athena has been out of the house for over a day and passed on for about 20 hours now and I am devastated now if not more than I was even a few hours ago.

I miss her so much, I feel so lonely with her not pestering me, or lying beside me. She always had to be by my side. Right now she would be bothering me to play fetch or annoying me in some other way to take my mind off what’s troubling me. The problem is that she is no longer here to do that.

Right now is when she would be at her prime. Steph is asleep, the other cats are nowhere around, and Athena and I would hang out all night. I know she would have no problem pulling me back from my tortured heart and grief stricken soul.

She was so smart and you could sometimes see her trying to figure out an idea with her facial expressions. She knew just how to approach me and get me to smile, even knew that her annoyances were.

Something I have left out is that about two weeks ago I stepped on her foot and I assumed that she wasn’t walking much because I had hurt it, again I didn’t take her to the vet when I though I should have.

I can’t believe how lonely I feel with 3 cats and a girlfriend, a family that loves me, and all sorts of friends.

I can’t believe how empty it is without her here. It is as if the whole aura of the house has changed. I know it has, after all this house for nearly 3 years revolved around her. She was the only cat who got along with all the other ones.

Athena had such a presence about her. Everyone loved her; even people I know who hate cats said she was really amazing.

I found some more pictures of her but I can’t bare to look at her right now, I just break down sobbing for hours at a time.

I am struggling so hard now just to stay sane. It doesn’t help that I currently have no one to talk to, and no Athena to play fetch or cheer me up.

I still can’t help but think that if I had gotten her to the vet sooner she would have been okay. I know that I will never know, but I do know that I didn’t try, nor did I pay attention or think about her until it was obviously too late. I failed her when she really needed me.

I get her ashes back in about a week. I can’t wait to bring her back home. It won’t be the same but at least she will be home where she belongs.

I’m also crushed because I was really hoping to bring her home today and right now be spending time with her, even if it was laying on the floor next to her all day. Because I just found out I had diabetes at about the same time Athena got sick I didn’t pay her the attention she needed or give her the care I knew a week ago if not longer that she needed.

I miss her so much and I want her back right now.

If you go to my blog (the big box thing at the top) there are a few pictures of Athena not currently in my OD.

 

Athena died at 10:24 am 27/09/05

Born November 2002
Died 27 of September 2005 at 10:24 am

It is with a great sadness that I have to write this entry. Athena passed away this morning. I was hoping to get a couple of days but the vet called panicked at 9 am saying that she wasn’t sure if Athena would even make it through the morning, defiantly not the day.

I showed up and was escorted right away to her, and she didn’t look good. I got the run down from the vet but don’t remember it because I was crying so hard.

Athena looked worse than yesterday and finally got up and tried to get up and out of the cage. I wish I had taken her in my arms and never let her go but instead I just tried to keep her from getting out of the cage.

She let out a horrific meow that didn’t sound like her at all and then laid back down. I kept petting her and crying. At one point I stuck my head close to hers and she gave me a little kiss (actually just rubbed her nose against me but I know what she was trying to do) and then turned so that she wasn’t facing me any more.

The vet came in and explained the procedure. I was petting her the whole time as she fell asleep and up to and even after the vet said that her heart had stopped. I covered her with a blanket and then just left the room; I didn’t want to be around her.

Now I want to go back and never leave her.

She was without a doubt the best thing in my life bar none. She could always cheer me up, make me smile, even when she pestered the shit out of me begging for food or trampling over me.

No matter how blue or upset I was she would find a mouse for me to throw and somehow even though I didn’t want to do that it always made me feel better. She would always have to be in the same room as I was.

I still remember when she had her kittens she came and woke me up and if the fist one didn’t get stuck she would have given birth right on my legs. She let me carry them for her and place them in her nest.

It was as if she was a human child and I was her parent. She seemed to look up to me, and trust me no matter what was happening. I feel like I betrayed that trust today and by not taking better care of her sooner.

The vet said that even if we had come in a month ago there is no telling if she would have taken the treatment.

I have never loved anyone more than I have her. We had some special bond that was indescribable.

I can’t help but feel that I let her down and that her death was my fault in a way. I noticed a change in her about a month ago. I let it linger and fester and get worse. If her disease was caught early (hepatitis) it could have been cured. I will always be plagued with the question as to why I was so slow to take her to the vets.

Even so much as 5 days ago (or last Monday for sure) her liver wasn’t working properly but it had not shut down, she was not so dehydrated as to do damage to her other vital organs, her blood was not toxic enough to effect her brain and other organs. She had a very good chance for survival.

I blame myself because I didn’t take the action when I knew I should have for whatever reason. I don’t know if she would have been saved but I do know that I would have tried my best.

Athena,

You looked so depressed today so I decided to help you pass on comfortably. I really wanted you to make a recovery, even a temporary one so that the last time we spent together would be fun and joys, not like it was today.

I am very sorry for pushing you away when you were coming to me in you’re hour of need. I hope you can forgive me. I didn’t want to hurt you physically and I know I hurt you emotionally and left you feeling alone. You weren’t. I have loved you from the moment I got you almost 3 years ago. You have been and were the best thing in my life. You gave me so much joy and happiness even when you were being a pain in my ass. You always knew how to cheer me up and make me happy when I was sad.

I didn’t mean to leave you suffering so long with out attention. I will never know if seeing a vet a week ago or even before would have saved you and that question will haunt me for a very long time. I never meant to leave you suffering like that. I am truthfully sorry. Please forgive me for not being there when you needed me most.

I wish I knew the connection you and I shared. It was something so magickal and special and I hope I never have it again so that it is just ours. The one thing that will always make you stand out from any other pet I have ever and will ever have.

I hope that I was able to be some comfort for you in your final hour. I only wish I could have been there all night with you. I didn’t want to leave you alone and did so only hoping that you would feel better.

You will never ever be forgotten and I can not wait to see you again. It will make me so happy again. I think you know how devastated and heart broken I am. I have never been this upset about anything in my life.

You were more than a cat to me, you were my best friend, my soul mate.

I love you Athena and I know you’re resting in peace now. While it saddens me you are no longer here with me I am glad you are no longer suffering. We all miss you and love you very much!

 

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