Thursday, September 29, 2005

 

What else is going on in my life besides the death of my cat?

Well I am still balling every time I see or talk about Athena and don’t have the guts to post more pictures of her right now. I have cried my way through 4 rolls of toilet paper (double rolls so that’s really 8) in about 3 days.

I still can’t help but think what if I had taken her earlier, and if she is mad at me for not helping her like I promised her I would do.

Aside from learning and obsessing about my diabetes for the past month which is going fairly well. I’m still a little high with a 8 day average of 9.6. I am still learning and hopefully will be able to treat it without medication. I just have to get off my ass more and learn to eat properly.

I have come to the conclusion so far of foods I have to avoid or eat very seldom. I will never be able to eat them as a meal again.
Ø Ice cream
Ø Frozen yogurt
Ø Frozen pizza
Ø Perogies
Ø I’m sure there is more *cries*

They all push my blood sugar up more than 3 points every time I have them. I have also tested my medication I was on at the time. I am thankful that they seem to have no or very little effect on my blood sugar.

I got my diabetes software today and I love it. I haven’t had more than a chance to set it up and download my data but it will keep me interested enough to check out my readings and pay attention. Plus it really organizes them well and breaks down the stats. I’ll post it someday just to show everyone how bad my BS is.

I have also been under way too much stress from Steph. She has become a totally hypochondriac. She has even gone to the clinic twice in one day to be diagnosed.

I am woken up when I try to sleep and it is affecting her job, relationship, and defiantly her mentality. All this started about a month ago when I had the stomach flu.

I can’t describe how obsessed she has become with her body. If I didn’t know better I’d swear she had a breakdown.

The other day she came home and told me she feels really funny and is a diabetic because the coffee screwed up her blood sugar. I asked her if she had proof and she said no, I asked her if she was supposed to have coffee and again she said no. I pointed out that coffee increases her panic attacks and that she shouldn’t have it. She told me she knew.

I never know what to believe with her anymore because every time “it’s serious this time” Every time I was right and it was a panic attack.

She cries and says she doesn’t want to feel like that, and then does nothing to help herself feel better. I’ve actually contemplated trying to get her into the hospital for a month so she can have some intensive treatment. She really needs something. Earlier tonight she told me that she would rather kill herself than feel like this. I don’t believe her simply because she is so afraid of death.

I have no idea what to do and with not sleeping well because she wakes me up 10 to 15 times in 8 hours I’m not really sleeping at all.

She won’t go to sleep because she is afraid of dying in her sleep, She has gotten about 5 hours of sleep in the last 3 days and wonders why she is so tired and not feeling well. Add to that she is barley eating anything and not exercising.

I just wish she would listen to me and trust me when I tell her that it is a panic attack and try to rationalize her fears in a very comforting way.

I have no doubt that she is sick (irritable bowel syndrome and maybe something else) but when she comes to me 25 – 30 times a day to check her for jaundice, or if she has a fever, or if her eyes are normal, or if she has a cavity, or is her blood sugar okay, I should take her temperature, her back hurts, she has a headache.

I feel bad because she started a new medication and I didn’t believe her right away that it was making her sick because she was complaining about every small thing 30 times a day if not more.

I am thankfully away this weekend at the Picton Marathon. My job this weekend is to take pictures so expect a ton when I get home on Monday. This is where I like my http://.axalotal.blogspot.com better because it is so much easier to post pictures to it. It is essentially push button uploading as apposed to uploading and then copying the hyperlinks.

I was going stir crazy the last few days after Athena went into the hospital, and later passed away. I don’t know if I will ever get used to her not being around or get over the guilt I feel. I don’t feel guilty that she died.

When my dad passed away I didn’t feel bad for two reasons. The first one is the last thing he said to me was “I’m fine”, and I know I gave him the best care I could. I was doing things I don’t know how I did them or even that I could do them. With him I tried.

With Athena I didn’t try my best. I barley tried at all, and that’s why I feel bad and that it was my fault. I saw her wasting away but didn’t do anything for a week. I’ll never know if I cost her her life, or how she felt at the end and if she knows how much I really do care for her and miss her so much it makes me physically sick.

Okay enough with the tear jerking comments for tonight.

I was thrilled to see that 4 people now subscribe to my blog. That just amazes me.

I’m glad to get away for this weekend and preoccupy my mind with something other than Athena, Blood Sugars, and hypochondria. I hope that Steph does the same.

We’re at my moms right now and heading to Steph’s uncles tomorrow. He owns a Radio Shack and is a really cool guy. He’s also only a few years older than me which makes him seem more cousin like.

Saturday and Sunday we’re at my aunts for the pre marathon party and the marathon. That will be my biggest picture day.

Then it is back here Sunday night and home early Monday morning.

I can’t help but think what would have happened with that dream I had of Athena the night before she died had Steph not woken me up. It was really a weird one and so plain.

We were in an all blue room (like a perfectly clear sky) and I saw her and myself interacting. I had just bent down to pet her when I was woken to a hypochondriac moment.

I should go to bed sometime soon since I have to get up relatively early. I still have some time before I have to check my BS again.

I’m planning to go back to acting in the early spring once the miserable winter has passed. That should give Steph and I enough times to get out stuff together and everything else straightened out. Who knows I may get bored enough and go back sooner?

I’m really cold and tired so I’m off for now. I have no idea how I’ll kill 30 minutes actually I do.

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