Wednesday, October 05, 2005
I still cry over her
1-10-05
My real entry for the day is somewhere below my self pitting rant.
I'm still crying over Athena's death and it still hurts more than I could imagine.
I remember when I had to put Izzy down I wasn't that upset because it was the right thing to do. If anything I was mad at myself because with her I wanted too long and she was really suffering. At 19 years old though I knew there was nothing a vet could do.
Athena on the other hand was 2 years and 10 months old. I noticed about a month before we had to put her down that she was loosing weight.
Even if I brought her to the vet 3 or 4 days earlier there could have been treatment options.
But for some dumb poor excuse reason I had to wait and even though I know she may never have recovered at least I could have said I tried.
I remember paying 15,000 $ when my dad was sick and I knew treatment would never cure him.
We tried with my dad knowing no matter what we did he would die.
I can't say the same for Athena or I wouldn't be this way.
The other thing that I hate having done to her was leaving her alone at the vets overnight while she was suffering and needed me. I really wanted to be with her in her final hours, not just minutes.
The only thing I am glad about is that I had no problems making the tough decision, even though I didn't want to.
I don't know how much suffering it alleviated though and I wish since I had to make that choice that I had made it earlier so she wasn't suffering at all.
REAL ENTRY NOW
It's 6 am and I can't sleep. I've been wide awake since 2 am and bored out of my mind.
I don't want to get up incase I wake up our hosts. It is amazing how productive I have been though thanks to my palm pilot.
So far I have
input some receipts into quicken
made a good portion of Octobers meal plan
Calculated my monthly bike data
calculated my daily blood sugar for the last 11 days
created and input the data for a "daily" average blood sugar chart which will calculate my monthly, and bi-monthly average blood sugars
created a nifty yearly calendar to keep my monthly blood sugar averages
started writing this entry
played some cheesy palm pilot games
Not bad for a few hours of not being able to sleep.
I always seem to do best with 2 four hour naps during the day than one long 8 hour sleep.
I'm really excited about today. Actually I'm not but trying to get that way to take my mind off last week.
Steph still has the squirts and has had them now for a good 3 to 4 weeks. I'm not that worried and really think that they will clear up once she gets a little more distressed. In any case I'm going to go to the Dr with her when she goes next week.
Her Dr is either an idiot or just incompetent. I haven't fully figured it out yet.
I get to see most of my relatives today and tomorrow which is always fun.
My mom’s family is pretty tight.
Oh I found out last night that Steph's uncles friend knows my uncle Chris, and my uncle Rob.
I'm wondering if it is too early to get up and shower, oh some one's up now and in the shower.
I never know what to write about in my OD.
Steph's uncle showed us this really cool Homer Simpson car thing that talks based on how the car is moving. It was really funny.
Well it is now 11:37 pm and I've been at my aunts since about 3 this afternoon.
Marg picked us up at Kevin’s along with Grandma and we went on a drive of the marathon route and saw where all the OPP team challengers were going to be exchanging ankle bracelets.
I spent some time with Maura and Joey, before hanging out with the adults for a while.
I took a few pictures and discovered during a tour of the renovations one of Athena's relatives.
When I first saw her I cried. This one looked so much like her. She had a very similar personality as well and she loved me and wouldn't leave my side.
I showed her to Steph and Steph cried too.
Now I have the squirts damnit. My tummy is revolting from something.
Anyhow, I saw a lot of my relatives, and a bunch of my uncle’s side some of whom I probably haven't seen in 15 years or so.
We all ate a lot and then after dinner Joey seemed mesmerized by what I was saying about the new world order.
I talked to a few more of my relatives, and then hung out in Matt's room for an hour or so with our latest gambling idea.
We are going to build Lego vehicles and race them off the roof and who ever gets the farthest will win.
We used to race grapes in the microwave.
Steph had a few rather bad moments. One she ended up crying in my aunts arms. She gave Steph the same advice as everyone else has.
Today though it was that she wasn't making saliva and had a hard time swallowing.
All in all it was a really good day.
Especially when I had two naps in Kevin’s massager chair. It is one of these full body reclining heated massage chairs. Very relaxing. I wish I was in it right now.
My real entry for the day is somewhere below my self pitting rant.
I'm still crying over Athena's death and it still hurts more than I could imagine.
I remember when I had to put Izzy down I wasn't that upset because it was the right thing to do. If anything I was mad at myself because with her I wanted too long and she was really suffering. At 19 years old though I knew there was nothing a vet could do.
Athena on the other hand was 2 years and 10 months old. I noticed about a month before we had to put her down that she was loosing weight.
Even if I brought her to the vet 3 or 4 days earlier there could have been treatment options.
But for some dumb poor excuse reason I had to wait and even though I know she may never have recovered at least I could have said I tried.
I remember paying 15,000 $ when my dad was sick and I knew treatment would never cure him.
We tried with my dad knowing no matter what we did he would die.
I can't say the same for Athena or I wouldn't be this way.
The other thing that I hate having done to her was leaving her alone at the vets overnight while she was suffering and needed me. I really wanted to be with her in her final hours, not just minutes.
The only thing I am glad about is that I had no problems making the tough decision, even though I didn't want to.
I don't know how much suffering it alleviated though and I wish since I had to make that choice that I had made it earlier so she wasn't suffering at all.
REAL ENTRY NOW
It's 6 am and I can't sleep. I've been wide awake since 2 am and bored out of my mind.
I don't want to get up incase I wake up our hosts. It is amazing how productive I have been though thanks to my palm pilot.
So far I have
input some receipts into quicken
made a good portion of Octobers meal plan
Calculated my monthly bike data
calculated my daily blood sugar for the last 11 days
created and input the data for a "daily" average blood sugar chart which will calculate my monthly, and bi-monthly average blood sugars
created a nifty yearly calendar to keep my monthly blood sugar averages
started writing this entry
played some cheesy palm pilot games
Not bad for a few hours of not being able to sleep.
I always seem to do best with 2 four hour naps during the day than one long 8 hour sleep.
I'm really excited about today. Actually I'm not but trying to get that way to take my mind off last week.
Steph still has the squirts and has had them now for a good 3 to 4 weeks. I'm not that worried and really think that they will clear up once she gets a little more distressed. In any case I'm going to go to the Dr with her when she goes next week.
Her Dr is either an idiot or just incompetent. I haven't fully figured it out yet.
I get to see most of my relatives today and tomorrow which is always fun.
My mom’s family is pretty tight.
Oh I found out last night that Steph's uncles friend knows my uncle Chris, and my uncle Rob.
I'm wondering if it is too early to get up and shower, oh some one's up now and in the shower.
I never know what to write about in my OD.
Steph's uncle showed us this really cool Homer Simpson car thing that talks based on how the car is moving. It was really funny.
Well it is now 11:37 pm and I've been at my aunts since about 3 this afternoon.
Marg picked us up at Kevin’s along with Grandma and we went on a drive of the marathon route and saw where all the OPP team challengers were going to be exchanging ankle bracelets.
I spent some time with Maura and Joey, before hanging out with the adults for a while.
I took a few pictures and discovered during a tour of the renovations one of Athena's relatives.
When I first saw her I cried. This one looked so much like her. She had a very similar personality as well and she loved me and wouldn't leave my side.
I showed her to Steph and Steph cried too.
Now I have the squirts damnit. My tummy is revolting from something.
Anyhow, I saw a lot of my relatives, and a bunch of my uncle’s side some of whom I probably haven't seen in 15 years or so.
We all ate a lot and then after dinner Joey seemed mesmerized by what I was saying about the new world order.
I talked to a few more of my relatives, and then hung out in Matt's room for an hour or so with our latest gambling idea.
We are going to build Lego vehicles and race them off the roof and who ever gets the farthest will win.
We used to race grapes in the microwave.
Steph had a few rather bad moments. One she ended up crying in my aunts arms. She gave Steph the same advice as everyone else has.
Today though it was that she wasn't making saliva and had a hard time swallowing.
All in all it was a really good day.
Especially when I had two naps in Kevin’s massager chair. It is one of these full body reclining heated massage chairs. Very relaxing. I wish I was in it right now.
