Axalotal's view of the world

I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t even explain it.

I have always felt that the majority of my life was a lie. Now what was left and what I was clinging on to is nothing but me seeing what I wanted to and being totally blind, caught in a web of lies and self deceit.

I look around at everything and shake my head. Nothing seems right.

My pets, my friends, my girlfriend, none of it seems for lack of a better word correct.

I am so miserable and spent the bulk of my life doing things to make others happy, to make sure there is a status quo or impress people who I don’t even care about because that’s what is expected of me.

I seriously hate my life and everything in it. I need to start over from the very start. I wish I could just walk away from everything, wipe the slate clean and be me.

That would be great but I don’t even know who “me” is anymore.

It’s no ones fault but mine that I’m unhappy and not doing anything about it. I just don’t know what would make me happy. I have more money than I need, and that doesn’t do anything to put a smile on my face it only complicates things even more.

I am the world’s greatest magician. I have built up such an illusion of happiness and a life yet look behind and you see it is nothing but an extremely well constructed Hollywood set which can be used and rearranged to seem perfect again and again no matter how you arrange it.

I don’t even know where to begin anew. I need to get out of where I am, just throw everything out but what good would that do since I don’t know what I want to replace it with?

My plan was to stay here, not complain suck it up and die. I didn’t plan on being so miserable for another 20 years or so.

I can’t even get my thoughts together to get down what I’m trying to say this is how off I’ve become mentally. I’m so blaw and feel so like shit that I can’t do what I do great write. Fuck that was bad English.

I can’t even think of what I want to say, I don’t even know what’s wrong. That’s not true I do.

I just don’t want to admit the problems to myself and I feel like such a dumb ass.

I don’t know who I am. What I am (okay smartasses I know I’m male and human) or why I’m here. I feel I have no purpose, reason or reason for being.

I just am. Since I just am, I have been doing things I didn’t necessarily want to do and get things in my life I didn’t really want.

More importantly I need to know who I am before I can do anything. Without knowing who I am how do I know what I want, what I need.

Until I know that I don’t know where I’m going how can I be expected to pack for the trip?